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Top Three Best Father’s Day Gifts

Nothing, Nada and Zilch

Please, whatever you do, do not make your kids buy their dad anything for Father’s Day (especially a tie).

Fathers don’t want anything (unless it’s a black 1962 Lincoln Continental Convertible with suicide doors). They don’t wantboxer shorts or a card. They don’t want cologne or new socks. Do NOT believe the commercials. No dad ever told you to buy him anything. It is the dad-like guy on TV who told you to buy him something. If you have to spend money, then just go ahead and hand him the cash (not in ones).

Believe me, no man is sitting around dreaming of his new $19.99 cordless air compressor or lusting after a World’s Greatest Dad mug. No man is sitting at  debating if he should spend money on a fog-free shaving mirror or a George Foreman Grill. No man is window shopping at Things Remembered pining for an engraved money clip or monogrammed flask.

And truthfully they don’t even want that nice framed picture of the kids (unless there is a naked one of you hidden underneath). Men like gadgets, but it's the action behind them that they like more.

And men don’t need to be pampered. They don’t want a fancy Father’s Day brunch. They certainly don’t want to sit around and have people watch them open gifts. What they want is to go enjoy a . They want to lie on the couch, naked but for socks, smoking a cigar while drinking from the carton. They want a nag free day. They want to play video  while eating food that will NOT lower their cholesterol. 

But I know buying them something useless is much easier. Click “Buy” and your job is done.

How about for Father’s Day this year, let him ? Let him gamble. Let him hunt or spend time with his friends. If he likes to barbecue don’t buy him a grill brush, buy him some  so he can go fish for something to grill. Or, as Shakespeare once wrote, if you really want to give him something, get down on your knees and thank heaven, for a good man's love.

These poor men, for the whole year they do our bidding. They hand wash sippy cups because we fear plastic leeching from the dishwasher. They slice grapes in half for the kids because we scream about choking hazards. They have caught vomit in their hands, wiped butts, held a sick child all night. They deserve to feel masculine again.

So this year for Father’s Day, let Dad be a man.

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